I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
