If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
