we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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