My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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