piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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