omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
