Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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