It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
