How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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