nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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