so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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