I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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