Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
