im six kinds of drunk right now
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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