That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
