Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
