As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
