my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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