you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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