I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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