Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
