I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
