if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
