forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You ate ashes out of my bong
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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