Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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