I am in a vortex of obligation.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
