Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
