how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
