The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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