Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
