my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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