can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think your dad took our porno
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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