dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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