Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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