1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
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After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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