just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
