Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
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