Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
