the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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