What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I touched a dick in church today
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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