totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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