remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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