I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
