I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
