i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
