saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
