Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
it's like heaven, but drunker
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
