??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
