I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
