i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
