Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
