I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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