I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
