Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
