Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
