How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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