I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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