he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
